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Did you know that Santa has a sister? I didn’t think so. I’m the black sheep of the family, or some would say the Rudolph without a happy ending. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the flying motorcycle or the red leather suit. Mama always told me I was too flashy. I thought that was a fag trait, but I guess not. Also, I work out a lot to keep from getting the family jiggle, if you know what I mean. I’m still pretty jolly. (Chuckles) Pretty naughty is more like it. Hey, what can I say? I love to have fun.
Oh, it could also be because I tried to get the elves to unionize. I think they work too hard in that toy factory all year long with no day off, while my brother only bothers to brave the cold of the North Pole one month a year. Give me a break. He and the wife vacation on the beach during the other eleven months of the year. To me, that isn’t fair. What about the little people? Isn’t it bad enough that they lost Pluto as a planet? You know, the reindeer are cool, but they just aren’t butch enough for me to be seen on. Understand? Not cool to show up at a hottie’s chimney wearing my leathers, if those reindeer shit all over her roof, while I’m getting busy. Every year on December 10th, I deliver special toys to naughty folks, such as GLBT folks like you. (No, I didn’t choose that date because it’s Ellen’s birthday either.) Some butches leave combat boots for me to stuff, while others leave their least smelling sneakers. Femmes leave everything from silk or fishnet stockings to stiletto heels to hiking boots. You can imagine what a drag queen wants me to stuff full of toys. Yep, you’d probably be right. I usually leave the biggest toys in the boring, comfortable shoes at the foot of the bed, just to spice things up for them. I don’t discriminate. I deliver to everyone, including all religions, races, nationalities, genders, orientations, etc. That may be another reason why I’m the outcast of the family. What kind of toys do I deliver? Oh, boy, what century are you from? I’m sure you’ve seen the type, such as ones that look like dolphins or something else weird. I have to do that because of the laws about such things in Texas. I think they’re afraid of them if they look too much like the real thing. Oh, yeah, I also refuse to settle down until all people are equal. When I can marry another dyke, I’ll quit racing around the world on my motorcycle, slipping down chimneys, and fulfilling wet dreams for my naughty friends. Until then, keep looking for me. Your house may be my next stop. (Wink.)
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