[Email to Marsha] Now the hard question-- how did your journey into homosexuality begin? You seem to be able to justify it biblically? Many homosexuals and others who question or struggle with their sexual identity grew up in dysfunctional homes especially with weak or absentee fathers/dominant mothers. I'm not your judge or anyone's judge. I just don't want to see you being used by the enemy while thinking you’re furthering the Kingdom of God, which your song definitely does. I understand temptation, I understand sin-- I am, as Paul said, "the chief of sinners." But I can't justify my sin, no matter how perfect and 'godly' my philosophy and reasons sound or resonate to me and others, before a holy God. I've committed adultery-- I know sin up close and personal. But I also know my heart -- is deceitful.  You can't serve two masters and think you can love them both. [Email end]

Oh, Yikes! I don't want to minimize your question at all but I’m getting ready for tour and have only a short time to get through dozens of emails.  I should have the "story" written up somewhere, shouldn't I?  Part of the problem I've had with sharing the story is people have picked it apart endlessly when I have, so I often let the songs speak for themselves. But I know how hard it is to be a songwriter, so let me see if I can put something together for you.

The VERY short version is I grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive home.  The saddest part of that is that my father was a minister and my mother a choir director, so I grew up in the church. I struggled to make sense of all I saw, and I remember very clearly trying to understand what it meant to say, "Jesus died for my sins." I mean, you love your children so much, you'd die for them, right? SO Jesus loved my sins so much he died for them? That couldn't be right. I just never got the whole story right.

I had a much older brother from my father's previous marriage, who I idolized. He had essentially "escaped" our family. He was brilliant, worked his way through college and grad school on scholarships and got his doctorate in physics from Rockefeller Univ. He also bought into the 60s version of sex, drugs and rock and roll. So when, after an absence of a few months, he showed up the summer I was 16 and told me something really exciting was going on down at the beach in Southern California, I thought we were going to a party. Instead he took me to church - the original Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa. At the time they were still without a building, but they met in a building near the beach.

It was the first time I'd heard people talk about Jesus as though He were alive. Everyone talked about Him in the present tense - Jesus told me this, Jesus said that, "Jesus told me to go to my friend's house." He seemed so real to them I thought they might have a Latino pastor named Jes`us. I came back the next week on my own entirely captivated by the idea that the God of the Universe could know my name or care which friend I visited.  I was very humbled and needy, deep into drugs, dabbling in witchcraft and couldn't believe anything would make a difference in my life. In prayer time during the service I blurted out the only thing I knew to say in the high church language I was raised with, "Lord, please accept me into Thy fold."

Some of the youth leaders took several of us home and explained more about salvation. I told them I couldn’t imagine I was going to drive 60 miles home to drunk parents, drugged friends and suddenly just be "good." They told me if I was already everything I wanted to be and everything I needed to be, I wouldn't need Jesus anyway.  They also gently suggested (somewhat at odds with your beliefs, perhaps) I pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to be able to live the Christian life. I prayed with them for salvation. But when I began to pray for the power of the Holy Spirit I felt the room I was in fall away.

I felt like I was in one of those pictures where Jesus has children in His lap and I really understood that Jesus was big enough to hold me and my world. Then He seemed to take me by a river. It was crystal clear pounding water and I remember thinking that with this much water, NONE of us should ever be thirsty. When I thought about inner thirst in my life, I thought about nighttime, and the many nights as a child I tried to sleep with my face under the covers hoping I would suffocate in the night and not wake up there again. Jesus looked down at me and said, "I was there. Every night. I felt every tear. That's why I died."